Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
quarantine day 3
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
a public service announcement
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.