I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing