i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.