My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
You Might Also Like
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not