I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”