This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
The symmetry is uncanny.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!