A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*puts words between two asterisks*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat