Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Weirdos gonna weird.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.