Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
You Might Also Like
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t