I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
when someone rings the doorbell
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
We found love in a hopeless place.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers