Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
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[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning