I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.