*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
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Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I’d love this…lol
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”