Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.