Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.