Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Steam Forums
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
An odd boast
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”