My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants