The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”