Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot