LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.