My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.