Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?