I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
*bites zombie*
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.