Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.