[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
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My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
time for some seasonal decor
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.