It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?