me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
what?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
a badder mouse
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.