[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day