I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?