Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Body by Oreos
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR