October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.