i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.