I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
😂🤣😂🤣
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
This is my emotional support knife.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo