In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
A short story of betrayal:
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Who needs an Air Fryer?