We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
yall want some gasoline milk
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics