Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal