I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I am never leaving this website
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.