Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song