You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw