There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
You Might Also Like
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause