why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
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Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
not seeing the problem
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.