Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*