I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.