Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.