How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Kermit goes Blue.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’