Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.