Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”