Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Good Morning.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith