Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
No chill.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!