I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You Might Also Like
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
⚠️ Important Reminder:
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*